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I'd like to say that I was a willing student of life. I’d like to say that I set out with an open mind and thoughtfully considered life’s lessons as they came to me. It wouldn’t be true, but I would like to say it.
In fact, I was pretty much an enemy of knowledge. I learned, eventually, to be sure, but my insights came along with bloodied head and shameful surrender. I gave up the things I thought I knew and learned new things because I actually put each of my ideas into everyday practice and eventually, desperately, found out I was wrong!
One thing I picked up is that most of us have never really decided to go on living. It seems kind of fundamental that we would consciously decide to go on living, but we don’t. We risk our lives in small ways day after day. That’s why so many young people smoke cigarettes and why so many older folks are corpulent. No real commitment to staying alive.
I used to give up smoking every now and then, but I would always resume. Eventually, when I really gave it some thought, I realized that my drinking was causing me to renege on my commitment to quitting. I would quit smoking for a few days and be full of self-congratulations. But social drinking was the way most people in my circles related back in those days. When I was drinking, I’d start smoking again.
At first, I thought it was some kind of chemical relationship. Smoking really goes well with coffee, I believed, so maybe it was just the same for smoking and liquor. It’s not true.
When I finally figured out the connection, it was this: alcohol is a depressant. Depression was always a big problem for me and it was a lot worse when I was drinking. When I was sober, I wanted to quit smoking so that I could stay alive -- when I was drinking I didn’t care if I lived or died. That was the connection between liquor and cigarettes!
Once I realized that simple “death wish” made the connection between cigarettes and liquor, I was able to quit smoking, even though I didn’t give up regular drinking for decades!
People don’t necessarily want to stay alive.
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